


healing

by bogfenwetland



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23232706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bogfenwetland/pseuds/bogfenwetland
Summary: yasha helps beau out of a tough spot
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 7
Kudos: 130





	healing

**Author's Note:**

> finding that every time i want to write for cr it's just because i need them to explore their emotions!!
> 
> (im on tumblr @jennifersbody2 feel free to hmu i am always looking to follow new people!)

It’s getting harder and harder to hide it from everybody, how deeply seeing her parents affected Beauregard. She thinks it’s selfish, but part of her had been hoping that by now somebody would have tried to ask her about it. It has to be obvious, right? How, ever since that day in Kamordah, she’s felt and acted so different. Then again, does she really want to talk about it? If someone like Caleb or Fjord came to her and coaxed a discussion out of her, would she even be able to articulate the problem? How could she explain that seeing her mom, who let such horrible things happen without lifting a finger in resistance, sent Beau flying back to how it felt to be a child again? Or the raw fear she felt immediately upon locking eyes with her father, despite how much stronger she’s grown since last they met? No, it’s for the best that nobody has noticed. She should be getting over it soon, anyway. It’s just some stupid mental thing. 

Of course she knows, somewhere in her mind, that thinking like that obviously won’t help. But she’s been meditating almost every night, trying to practice that dumb mindfulness stuff she learned in school. Almost begging it to lift her out of whatever this weird, dark place in her head is. And it’s simply not working. Even Beau’s other, more destructive techniques aren’t providing their usual temporary relief. She’s been training every minute she gets alone, tearing her knuckles with brutal punches and spraining her wrists and ankles pretty much weekly trying to get the aggression and emotion out. Useless. Now she’s just physically hurt and… sad. That’s been the real hard part of this. Understanding that she’s just so, so sad. About her past, her parents, the future, everything. 

Tonight has been especially difficult. The Mighty Nein is in some random suburb of Zadash, traveling around and killing time before whatever their next big play is. Everybody is in high spirits, pouring rounds in the tavern to celebrate Yasha’s victory in some underground ring. Beau won too, but she can’t feel like the festivities are for her. She laughs along with them, her smile not reaching her eyes. She rubs hard at a sore spot in her neck, shooing away Jester when she offers to try to heal her. It’s fine, it feels like something, at least. 

“Listen! One more round! And I want to play darts!” Fjord calls out, slurring slightly. Veth, Caleb, Jester, and Caduceus all look excited at the idea of the game. Caduceus’ smile really implies more that he wants to see someone make themself a fool, but he’s obviously still excited nonetheless. Beau hides a frown. They’ve been down in the bar for hours. She just wants to go the fuck to sleep. But she’d never be the first to turn in. She starts to rise to join the party when Yasha’s soft voice speaks up.

“Actually, I am feeling pretty, um, tired. It was a very hard fight tonight. I think I will head to bed. Goodnight, everybody. Thanks for the drinks,” Yasha says, waving away the outcry of wishes for her to stay with a smile. Beau speaks out too.

“I’m with her. To be honest, I kind of got my shit rocked tonight. I barely won. See you guys tomorrow,” Beau says. She hides the tinge of sadness in her voice as best she can. She sees Yasha glance at her out of the corner of her eye as she turns to push Veth away, who is currently trying to drag her to the dartboard. When Beau turns back, Yasha has already crested the top of the stairs. 

Beau heads up to her room, closing the door softly behind her. She sinks down to the floor with her back to the door, already feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She curses quietly under her breath. 

“Come on, Beau,” she whispers to herself. “Man up, you’re fucking fine.” The tears begin to fall anyway. 

Beau brings her hands up to her head, taking her hair down and shaking it out as she cries silently. She feels like an idiot, like a baby. It’s been weeks since they were in Kamordah and this is the first time she’s cried about whatever it is that happened to her while they were there. She stands, beginning to pace the room in an attempt to calm down.

Maybe she resents her parents, but who doesn’t? There’s no reason to fucking cry about it. So what if her dad is, like, a monster and her mom is neglectful? So what if they’ve got a new kid to terrorize now? She’s over it all, she’s been over it for years. Almost as soon as she arrived at the Cobalt Reserve, she had buried these feelings. Why are they coming back up now? She doesn’t care about those people anymore. She doesn’t even care if they didn’t…. didn’t even want her. 

This feels like a revelation to Beau, one that makes her cry even harder. She’s almost sobbing at this point. As the sadness within rises, rage grows outside. Beau lashes out, punching the wall in front of her and crying out. This is all so fucking stupid! It’s not like there’s anything to be done about it now. Everybody already made their choices. She should just stop caring, just give up. 

Beau takes a stumbling step towards her bed, the tears blurring her vision. She trips over something, falling to the floor. Her hands, cut up from the fight before, sting upon impact. She tries to sit up, leaning heavily into the wall across from the door. She slams her head back into it a few times, cursing herself. Why can’t she stop these emotions? Why isn’t she in control? Why--

There’s a knock on the door. Beau jumps, then quickly tries to be dead silent. She holds her breath. Another knock.

“Beauregard?” a voice calls quietly. It’s Yasha. She sounds exhausted. “Beau?” Yasha tries again after she gets no response. Beau shakes her head hard, trying to telepathically will Yasha to go away without saying anything. She doesn’t need anyone right now, she’s fine. 

“I’m coming in, okay?” Yasha says. Beau’s heart starts racing. She could say no, tell her to leave. But something catches in her throat and she remains silent. She can practically see Yasha hesitating to turn the knob outside the door. Slowly, the door creaks open. Yasha peeks her head in, eyes widening almost imperceptibly when she sees Beau sitting on the ground, who knows she must look a mess. Eyes puffy and red, hair all tangled, just horrible. Beau averts her gaze, staring at Yasha’s feet.

Beau sees Yasha close the door and take a slow step forward, then a few more. She’s only a couple feet away from Beau when she crouches down to Beau’s eye level. Beau still isn’t looking up. 

“Hello, Beau,” Yasha whispers. Beau remains quiet. Yasha leans further down, settling onto the floor and sitting cross legged. “What’s going on?” she asks quietly. Beau tries to clear her throat.

“You don’t have to be here,” Beau says. Her voice is rough and her words come out harsher than she would have liked. To Yasha’s credit, she doesn’t even flinch.

“Well, I know that. But,” Yasha begins. Beau finally looks up, meeting Yasha’s tired eyes. “I’m in the room next to you. I could hear some commotion in here.” She finishes with a small smile, seemingly trying to lighten Beau’s mood. It isn’t working.

“Sorry,” Beau huffs out. “I’ll be quiet. You can go to sleep.” Beau can sense how exhausted Yasha is. If anything, it makes her feel even worse for keeping her up and bothering her. Beau sighs and buries her head in her hands, breathing raggedly. 

Beau can’t see it, but she can feel Yasha move closer to her. A large, rough hand now rests on Beau’s shoulder, the thumb gently moving back and forth. Beau begins to cry again. 

“Why do you care?” Beau mumbles from between her knees. “Why did you come in here?”

“Because… you are my friend. And I love you very much. And I have noticed a change in you recently. And I want to make sure that you are okay. Is that alright?” Yasha asks quietly. Beau responds by crying harder. She can barely comprehend what Yasha is saying, she has no idea why Yasha thinks she deserves anything like this. Yasha’s hand lifts off Beau’s shoulder and Beau can feel her move across the floor to be leaning against the wall right next to Beau. Their shoulders touch briefly before Yasha lifts her arm and wraps it around Beau’s shoulders, pulling her in. Beau, much smaller, can’t help but nestle closely into Yasha’s side. Again, another action that only makes Beau cry more. 

“Oh, it’s okay. You’re alright, Beauregard. You’re going to be okay. I’m sorry that you feel this way. I’m here for you,” Yasha assures softly. Beau can feel her hand moving slowly through her hair, as if she’s gently trying to bring her back to the ground. Beau’s relaxes slightly, her tears slowing. She’s still crying, but at least she’s not sobbing anymore. Beau feels so stupid right now, using Yasha and taking her support. She doesn’t need it. She pushes away from the taller girl, quickly looking her in the eye. Beau is going to tell her to leave, but the tenderness she sees in Yasha’s eyes stops her in her tracks. Yasha is here to help, Beau knows it. 

“What’s wrong, Beau?” Yasha urges. Beau sucks in a deep breath. She knows that talking to someone might help, but Beau is choked up again and finds it hard to speak.

“It’s okay that you’re crying. I would like to know what is the problem,” Yasha continues. Beau is sitting across from her on the floor now, hands resting in her lap. Yasha reaches out and gently touches Beau, wrapping one hand around each of her wrists. Beau sniffles, and it’s gross and snotty and she can’t help but laugh a little at it. 

“Sorry,” Beau whispers, sniffing again, just as gross as before. She feels undeniably safe right now, despite how vulnerable she is. Her tears are finally coming to a stop. She looks up to find Yasha looking intently at her. Beau can feel love radiating out towards her. She will unpack that later. 

“I’m sorry,” Beau finally starts. “I’m just, um, thinking about, like, my family. My parents. I don’t know.” She looks away while she speaks, but she can still feel Yasha’s eyes on her. 

“Go on,” Yasha urges.

“I don’t know. It’s just, like, been hard to deal with seeing them. It affected me in a bad way? And I didn’t really think it would? I mean, I knew it would probably suck to meet up with them again, but it has really been… damaging, I think.”

Yasha’s grip on Beau’s wrists tightens. Beau has no idea how to talk about this. She guesses she should just be honest and say what happened, but it all feels so stupid. Yasha doesn’t say anything, clearly waiting on Beau to continue.

“It was, um, it was just, like, when we saw them, I, I don’t know, it was like I was a little kid again. I felt really… powerless. And stupid. And childish, I guess,” Beau speaks, a few tears falling as she does. “I should be over everything that happened between us, but I guess I’m not. It really sort of freaked me out, being there again. They, my parents, both of them hurt me so much. My whole life. I think that I wasn’t ready to see them again. I think that I never really let myself think about the shit that happened between us, I sort of just made myself forget about it. So seeing them again sent me right back to how it felt when I was there every day. It was so hard, Yasha. It was so hard to grow up with them. They weren’t very nice to me. I think that makes me sound like a baby, but I mean it. They weren’t very nice to me and that hurt my feelings,” Beau gets out, the words coming easier now. She chuckles a little at her wording, feeling incredibly silly saying those things. She hears Yasha sigh and looks up again.

“I can tell that that was hard for you to admit. Sometimes, feelings like that, they can be really hard to understand. I get you, Beau,” Yasha says, softly rubbing Beau’s wrists. Beau smiles sadly. 

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know, that’s really it. I just was, like, bottling that up for so, so long. Like, obviously since we saw them in Kamordah, but even before that. Kind of my whole life. I don’t know why tonight of all nights I decided to have kind of a breakdown about it, but, yeah,” Beau states, sniffling. She really doesn’t have any more to say. It feels weird how even just saying the little bit she did has already made her heart feel lighter. There’s a silence in the room now, and Beau can hear all of their friends still having fun downstairs. 

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Yasha’s voice breaks the quiet. She looks like she wants to say more, but instead she leans back and uncrosses her legs. Beau cocks her head, unsure of what’s happening. A quiet sound escapes Beau’s throat as Yasha pulls her close and gently encourages Beau to rest her head on her chest. Beau complies, finding comfort in the way she is lying between Yasha’s legs and letting her take all her weight. Yasha’s hand finds Beau’s hair again and begins running through it once more. Beau smiles again.

“Thank you for listening,” she says softly. Already, Beau can sense that Yasha is about ready to drift off to sleep. Beau listens to her heartbeat beginning to steady into a slow rhythm. For the first time in a while, Beau feels some happiness within her. Maybe she should try talking things out more often? It was hard and it felt stupid, but damn if the aftermath isn’t nice. And, not that it’s the point, but maybe if she does it with Yasha then she can get held like this again. Because Beau feels fantastically safe and secure right now. 

It’s true that Beau’s life hasn’t been very easy up to this point. But here, in this moment, it certainly isn’t very hard, either. She feels relieved tonight, grateful for her friends around her. She knows that, in the morning, she’ll finally start feeling back to normal. Beau, almost positive that Yasha is asleep, turns her head and presses a light kiss to her collarbone. As a thanks. She smiles, discovering she was wrong when she feels Yasha’s heartbeat spike. She will choose to disregard that for the night, instead savoring the simplicity of this embrace as she falls asleep herself. 


End file.
